The Perfect Pie Crust

Do you have a food processor?
No? Use a premade crust from the market. Without a food processor you, especially you, will not be able to pull it off. You just suck that bad. I can do it; You can't. Trust me.
Yes? Follow these instructions for the easiest and best crust ever!

Start with:
1 1/4th c Flour
1/2tsp Salt
one stick of chilled butter (cut into little pieces).
***for a sweet pie (e.g. pecan) add 1/2tbl sugar with flour and salt***
Just throw the flour and salt into the processor and hit it on full blast to mix that motherfucker up. Once you have achieved this difficult task you can add the butter. Use "on and off" turns to turn the mixture into a coarse meal (shown below):

Now that we have made it this far (hopefully), add 3tbl of the coldest water you have access to. If all you have is faucet water it will suffice for your pitiful attempt at making a crust from scratch...just make sure it is cold dummy.

Now slowly but surely increase pulsations ("on-off" turns in case you didn't pick up on that yet) up to the top speed until everything is mixed fully and it looks like this and you can mush it into a disc thing. Too dry? Add another tablespoon of water genius!

After you shaped the dough into a disk put it on a floured surface. If you have granite you can use a CLEAN countertop. Make sure there is ample flour as seen here. Then roll it out in a different diagonal each roll to ensure no cracking and an even roll. NO flipping. That would be retarded. Once you have rolled it out, in order to get the flattened dough into the pie pan without breaking it you have to roll it back on the pin halfway up and then slide it in - just like with a fine lady. This is difficult to describe but even harder to do it and take a picture at the same time so suck it.

So once you get it in the pan it looks like this. Fold the overhang inward all the way around and remove any excess flour but don't kill yourself doing it - it doesn't matter that much. Also don't worry about the crust being even. Only God is perfect. You truly are not.

Now it is time to crimp the edges. It is much easier than you would think. But then again you suck at everything so you will probably find a way to fuck it up. Just shape your fingers as so and go around the edge of the crust. Throw it in the fridge and start working on your filling.