How to Cook Bacon

Are you fucking serious?!?
You need ME to tell you how to make bacon?
Can't you figure out anything for yourself?
Jesus...

First use only thick cut bacon. Don't get that pussy low fat bullshit. You might as well be drinking diet cola. You don't drink diet cola...do you? Put some bacon in a pan and make sure that all parts of the bacon are touching the pan and not each other. Turn heat to medium (i.e. if there are ten notches...turn it to five). Use a plastic fork thingy like I have here. They work the best for turning.

After the bacon starts to sizzle, start flipping it every three minutes. Your first flip should result in bacon that looks like the shit up above. This is tedious but your tree of dedication will bear most excellent fruit. Plus you get to stand over bacon for a while, which is sweet.

At this point if your bacon does not look awesome, you fucked up. I can't believe you actually fucked up bacon. AND you were following a recipe. Congratulations on achieving a new low amongst humankind. If you succeeded, start flipping every 1-2 minutes until desired crispness has been achieved.

Move bacon to a plate with a paper towel in order to get rid of some of the grease. On the other hand you can place the bacon directly onto buttered toast (be sure to use whole wheat!) but consult your doctor before partaking in such activities. I like my bacon real limp style so sometimes I end up with gross fatty ends. Cut off and give to dog. If there is no dog, a young child or feral animal will suffice for disposal.

Thanks for sharing these tutorials, you help out many people with them.
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